as if distance rivals, piss the arciform streams of men
as if rivals for distance, piss the meaty arcs of men
as if distance rivals, micturate the meaty arcs of men
rivals for distance, micturate the meaty arcs of men
in a match of distance, micturate the meaty arcs of men
in a match of distance, piss the meaty arcs of men
I definitely liked the term meaty. Micturate is more clinical, but it does reinforce the alienation of the protagonist and the alliteration with meaty is nice to me. The drawback is that the term is “elevated” but the reader, I feel, learns the definition of the term merely in the context so I went with: rivals for distance, micturate the meaty arcs of men
another interesting one:
will shake loose the clutch of psyche on your bladder.
will shake loose the vice of psyche on your bladder.
will loosen the vice grip of psyche on your bladder.
I ultimate went with the second. After all, the word "vice" not only indicates a tight grip but also implies that the psyche itself is acting unvirtuously: as a negative force, causing the struggle and turmoil. It adds a psychological dimension to the metaphor, suggesting an internal battle within the mind.
Had a fun time choosing between with these lines:
as if distance rivals, piss the arciform streams of men
as if rivals for distance, piss the meaty arcs of men
as if distance rivals, micturate the meaty arcs of men
rivals for distance, micturate the meaty arcs of men
in a match of distance, micturate the meaty arcs of men
in a match of distance, piss the meaty arcs of men
I definitely liked the term meaty. Micturate is more clinical, but it does reinforce the alienation of the protagonist and the alliteration with meaty is nice to me. The drawback is that the term is “elevated” but the reader, I feel, learns the definition of the term merely in the context so I went with: rivals for distance, micturate the meaty arcs of men
another interesting one:
will shake loose the clutch of psyche on your bladder.
will shake loose the vice of psyche on your bladder.
will loosen the vice grip of psyche on your bladder.
I ultimate went with the second. After all, the word "vice" not only indicates a tight grip but also implies that the psyche itself is acting unvirtuously: as a negative force, causing the struggle and turmoil. It adds a psychological dimension to the metaphor, suggesting an internal battle within the mind.