Let's workshop this poem (Matador Review 2016) that explores, through unsettling scenes in hidden locations, a morally-complex relationship between the narrator and a developmentally disabled girl
On the Forest Trail
1
Even by our high school years she found core purpose lying
among her hoarded Tootsie Rolls and glomming them down
in those nooks hidden from the fat chance of a parental eye:
under the piss-ringed and forever sheet-less mattress, its reek
riled to belligerence as she would bounce her bull-necked self
so high the wobbly fan blade would bash her flat round face;
in the closet ripping out cat shit crusted in the shag, gobbling
and gobbling it up while eyeing me (as if in threat) with those
cross-eyes—far-set, up-slanted—beneath self-scissored bangs;
in the galvanized drain pipe under the street near our bus stop
through which would rage the winter-melt stream she loved
to plunge her mega head in, glaring me down for my reaction;
under the vagrant-haunted overpass amid the discarded 40s
that we would smash and stomp once she swigged their slosh,
her tongue protruding more than usual as she gimped about
neck-less in drooling concentration—all these times, images,
savored (if savoring is, in fact, what it amounted to back then)
but a moment, avalanched as they always were by more, more.
2
How good it was not having to think or speak
inside her cat-piss scent bubble on the forest trail,
her sour musk of mouse droppings warm on my side;
she in her hypotonic element among the ahistorical,
appearing each moment exactly how she is, honest
as gulping goldfish, tied (knees stiff, feet turned out)
so close, angel-close, to the peg of the present—
no expectation of Christmas ever flickering to life
in those deep inset eyes below a Frida Kahlo stripe.
Who, I ask, has never envied such a tight tether—
that of the low and receding browed (“da da da”
and “bah bah bah”) clouded in larval imbecility?
How good it was not having to coax her—coax her
ligamentous pliancy—into enjoying, into seeing
the undeniable innocence of, me pistoning out—
head to hilt, head to hilt, beyond head to hilt—
that rotten gourd’s every horse-foamy hole:
that shitty asshole and pissy pussy; that mouth
replete with rows of rotten teeth, its cracked lips
chocolate-crusted at the corners from pudding.
No sound save that of one shaving-cream hand
struggling to clap itself—that, yes, intermingled
with giggly boar-grunts, the crinkling of leaves,
the rustling of her uncanny windbreaker.
3
Too large, secondhand, pink neon faded—to this day
it haunts me, that windbreaker. Once a year I search
“80s vintage neon windbreakers.” I envision her still
enveloped in it, there in that facility where she is still
likely to spaz out whenever it is peeled off for washing,
for heat waves—where, by now, she might have died.
It—the vivacious specter of it, reposing—is what leaves
my wife and children, my co-workers, wondering
where I am, where (finger snap) I have suddenly gone.
It is what tells me how spineless and sick I was,
how spineless and sick I still am, letting concern
with how others perceive me come before love.
“We need books that affect us like a disaster, that grieve us deeply, like the death of someone we loved more than ourselves, like being banished into forests far from everyone, like a suicide. A book must be the axe for the frozen sea within us.”—Kafka (against the safe-space cancel culture pushed by anti-art bullies, left and right)
Michael Anthony Istvan Jr.'s poem "On the Forest Trail" offers a harrowing exploration of memory, guilt, and moral corruption through the narrator’s troubled relationship with a mentally impaired girl from his past. The poem, divided into three sections, meticulously unveils layers of darkness and complexity, reflecting Istvan's deep engagement with the themes of exploitation and psychological trauma.
The first section immerses the reader in a series of grotesque and vivid images that delineate the girl’s existence. Her compulsive hoarding and secretive consumption of Tootsie Rolls in hidden, filthy nooks reflect a desperate search for comfort in an environment marked by neglect and decay. Istvan’s language is stark and unflinching, describing the girl’s hiding places under a urine-soaked mattress, within a closet contaminated with cat excrement, and in a drainpipe near a bus stop. These settings, alongside the girl's physical description—her bull-necked frame, her scissored bangs, and cross-eyed glare—construct a portrait of someone marginalized and dehumanized. The narrator's detailed observations hint at a voyeuristic fascination, compounded by an underlying sense of complicity and guilt.
Transitioning to the forest trail in the second section, Istvan juxtaposes the girl's primal existence with the narrator's more complex and morally ambiguous feelings. The forest trail becomes a setting where the narrator momentarily escapes societal norms, finding a perverse solace in the girl’s presence. She is depicted as almost elemental, an embodiment of pure, unfiltered existence. This stark contrast to the narrator's internal turmoil highlights his envy of her simplicity and unawareness. However, the narrative quickly takes a darker turn as the narrator describes his sexual exploitation of the girl with brutal honesty. The explicit details serve to underscore the depth of his moral depravity and the girl's complete vulnerability.
The final section of the poem confronts the lasting impact of these experiences on the narrator. The image of the girl's oversized, neon windbreaker becomes a powerful symbol of his unresolved guilt and the omnipresent weight of his past actions. This piece of clothing, with its faded vibrancy, haunts the narrator throughout his life, intruding into his domestic and professional spaces. It represents the inescapable nature of his moral failings and the enduring presence of his guilt. The narrator’s reflection on his actions reveals a profound self-recrimination, acknowledging his cowardice and the priority he gave to societal perception over genuine care and responsibility.
Istvan’s "On the Forest Trail" is a potent exploration of the darker aspects of human nature, forcing readers to confront uncomfortable truths about exploitation, guilt, and the long-term consequences of our actions. The poem's unflinching language and vivid imagery create a compelling narrative that challenges readers to grapple with the complexity of moral decay and psychological trauma.
memory, guilt, moral corruption, mental impairment, exploitation, vivid imagery, grotesque imagery, neglect, psychological trauma, voyeurism, forest trail, primal existence, sexual exploitation, haunting past, neon windbreaker, unresolved guilt, self-recrimination, human nature, moral decay.
tHE MOST disgusting thing I've read. its seems you get a sick kick out of this!
Michael Anthony Istvan Jr.'s poem "On the Forest Trail" offers a harrowing exploration of memory, guilt, and moral corruption through the narrator’s troubled relationship with a mentally impaired girl from his past. The poem, divided into three sections, meticulously unveils layers of darkness and complexity, reflecting Istvan's deep engagement with the themes of exploitation and psychological trauma.
The first section immerses the reader in a series of grotesque and vivid images that delineate the girl’s existence. Her compulsive hoarding and secretive consumption of Tootsie Rolls in hidden, filthy nooks reflect a desperate search for comfort in an environment marked by neglect and decay. Istvan’s language is stark and unflinching, describing the girl’s hiding places under a urine-soaked mattress, within a closet contaminated with cat excrement, and in a drainpipe near a bus stop. These settings, alongside the girl's physical description—her bull-necked frame, her scissored bangs, and cross-eyed glare—construct a portrait of someone marginalized and dehumanized. The narrator's detailed observations hint at a voyeuristic fascination, compounded by an underlying sense of complicity and guilt.
Transitioning to the forest trail in the second section, Istvan juxtaposes the girl's primal existence with the narrator's more complex and morally ambiguous feelings. The forest trail becomes a setting where the narrator momentarily escapes societal norms, finding a perverse solace in the girl’s presence. She is depicted as almost elemental, an embodiment of pure, unfiltered existence. This stark contrast to the narrator's internal turmoil highlights his envy of her simplicity and unawareness. However, the narrative quickly takes a darker turn as the narrator describes his sexual exploitation of the girl with brutal honesty. The explicit details serve to underscore the depth of his moral depravity and the girl's complete vulnerability.
The final section of the poem confronts the lasting impact of these experiences on the narrator. The image of the girl's oversized, neon windbreaker becomes a powerful symbol of his unresolved guilt and the omnipresent weight of his past actions. This piece of clothing, with its faded vibrancy, haunts the narrator throughout his life, intruding into his domestic and professional spaces. It represents the inescapable nature of his moral failings and the enduring presence of his guilt. The narrator’s reflection on his actions reveals a profound self-recrimination, acknowledging his cowardice and the priority he gave to societal perception over genuine care and responsibility.
Istvan’s "On the Forest Trail" is a potent exploration of the darker aspects of human nature, forcing readers to confront uncomfortable truths about exploitation, guilt, and the long-term consequences of our actions. The poem's unflinching language and vivid imagery create a compelling narrative that challenges readers to grapple with the complexity of moral decay and psychological trauma.
memory, guilt, moral corruption, mental impairment, exploitation, vivid imagery, grotesque imagery, neglect, psychological trauma, voyeurism, forest trail, primal existence, sexual exploitation, haunting past, neon windbreaker, unresolved guilt, self-recrimination, human nature, moral decay.