Coke Lessons
Let's workshop this poem that contrasts the fleeting euphoria of cocaine use with the enduring regret and disillusionment of addiction
Coke Lessons
Endless philosophizing to your friend,
even pushing a sudden cross-country trip—
that first-time rush of coke brought you
to a new dilation of ecstasy untainted
by thoughts that it would ever go away.
Years later you feel what your friend felt,
so reserved despite dilated lines, that night:
cravings for more coke mixed with foretaste
of grinding-bitter comedown. The low to come—
only a raw cut could block that from mind.
And even then the blocking would not be full.
The taint of downs to come at best would fall
just below a threshold of awareness quite high.
And that dip below would itself be short lived.—
Now you feel sick snorting with a newbie.
His talk dilated between lines, his confessions
of incest thoughts, gay thoughts, his giving
of gifts to you—bongos, books, records—
even though you forgot his name, has you
want to run from his house, down into a ball.
Pupils dilated, his hurried hand flips records
mid-song. You feel sick knowing that soon,
in sun hours, he will regret the giveaways.
You pretend to forget the offered items
only to be met with luggage to carry them.
You feel sick knowing that goodbye is not
the end. Backdoor, Newports lit—he goes on
and on until the dawn that more is needed.
He phones people—inappropriate for both
request and hour—not spoken to in years.
It comes down to his volunteer big brother
from nearly ten years back. You feel sick being
caught up in hope that he might come through.—
You are sick with the thought that this ecstasy
of coke, this coke dilation, is fake, unnatural.
But then you wonder, the newbie aside
on that call, why it should be considered fake.
What behind it is there but neurochemicals?
Why is this euphoria any more fake than that
which comes with the birth of your child?*This poem first appeared in Triggerfish Critical Review (2019)
Photo Credit: A. D. Aliano
In "Coke Lessons," M. A. Istvan Jr. delves into the dichotomy of drug-induced euphoria and the subsequent disillusionment, reflecting on how initial ecstasy devolves into a cycle of craving and regret. The poem begins with the protagonist's memory of his first experience with cocaine, marked by an overwhelming sense of euphoria and philosophical expansiveness that seemed permanent and untainted by the inevitable comedown. This initial high is described as a "new dilation of ecstasy," a metaphor suggesting an opening up to new dimensions of feeling and thought, which at the time appeared immune to the passage of time or change.
Years later, the protagonist finds himself understanding his friend's earlier reservations during their shared experience. The friend, despite indulging in the drug, was already aware of the impending crash, a mixture of craving for more and a foretaste of the "grinding-bitter comedown." The protagonist now empathizes with this perspective, recognizing that the anticipation of the low diminishes the purity of the high, an awareness that he couldn't comprehend during his first encounter.
The poem shifts to a present moment where the protagonist, now a seasoned user, finds himself in the company of a newbie. The newbie's enthusiasm and naive confessions—ranging from incestuous thoughts to gay thoughts—during their drug-induced bonding reveal the raw vulnerability and disorientation that come with the first rush of cocaine. The protagonist feels a deep sense of unease, knowing the cycle of regret and self-disgust that awaits the newbie, evident in the hurried flipping of records mid-song and the unrestrained giving of gifts that will soon be regretted.
This unease grows as the night progresses into dawn, with the newbie making desperate phone calls to people from his past, illustrating the isolating and desperate nature of addiction. The protagonist feels trapped, sickened by the dependency on an unreliable euphoria that is "fake, unnatural." The questioning of this artificial ecstasy versus natural joy culminates in a profound moment of introspection. The protagonist wonders why the chemical-induced happiness should be considered any less real than the joy derived from significant life events, such as the birth of a child. This philosophical quandary underscores the poem's exploration of the nature of happiness and the human condition's susceptibility to both natural and artificial stimuli.
"Coke Lessons" is a powerful narrative that juxtaposes the fleeting euphoria of drug use with the lasting consequences of addiction. Through vivid imagery and reflective introspection, Istvan captures the tragic arc from initial thrill to inevitable despair, highlighting the complex interplay between temporary ecstasy and enduring regret.
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